its a beautiful thing

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing."

- Abraham Lincoln

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So, 2009 has arrived. We are just getting around to getting back to normal. The kids are moping around and sleepy. Poor Zachariah has had a really bad transition time. In part, it is because over the holidays, we were all home. Most evenings, he went to bed around 8:00 p.m. and slept until 7:30 most mornings. Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, we shuttled him off to bed by 7:00 p.m. In his mind, it was because we were being mean, truth be told, it was because Mom and Dad looked at his face and decided that he needed to sleep . . . "butttttt its not my bedtime yet . . . . "

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Lindsey, of course, had been swimming throughout her break, although instead of 5:30 a.m. practices, they were swimming from 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. They had a couple of swim meets over the holidays but this week is a bear. They have practice every morning at 5:30. They had a meet Tuesday evening (she got home around 9:30 p.m.). She has another meet this evening and another one on Saturday. Because finals are next week (and all the high schools are on the same "finals" schedule, there are no meets next week but they still have practice.

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My surgery on Tuesday went well. I knew how bad my left eye was but didn't realize how bad my right eye was until my left eye was fixed. LOL. I have "perfect" vision with my left eye and once my right eye has totally healed, they anticipate that I will have "perfect" vision with my right eye . . . well, except that I will have to wear bifocals. Its all in the details.

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This second surgery allowed me some time with Sarah that I wouldn't otherwise have had. We had great fun. The afternoon of the surgery, I laid on her bed while she cleaned her room. We also watched Mamma Mia at the same time. It is a cute flick and there is one scene when the mom was helping her daughter get ready for her wedding that we sat and watched together. It opened up an opportunity for us to talk about us and her and letting go. If you have ever had to deal with a child leaving, you need to listen to that song and watch that scene. Just have tissues available.

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We also talked about school. She hates it. So, she has registered to take a nursing assistant course which lasts about eight weeks. She has taken so many classes with no end in sight but flits from one thing to another. Dave and I have been paying for all of this and, frankly, it has been getting very frustrating. I think I have decided definitely that many people should not go to college right after they graduate. I think our society or at least what most of my friends and family and the school systems expect is that ALL students should immediately go to college or HAVE to go to college. It isn't true. I believe that Sarah will probably go back to college someday (hmmm, maybe just like me). But for now, she will do this. I did tell her that I expected her to finish it. We will not be paying for any more.

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I went to the knit group last evening while Lindsey was at violin. I find it interesting the variety of the talents and skills that each person brings to the table. The one woman is into mini-knitting. Mini-hats and mini-mittens.

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Another woman, makes prayer shawls. Her goal for 2009 is to start and finish at least four. FOUR.

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Another made Irish Hiking Scarves for all the adults in her family for the 2008 Christmas. Big deal you say? She made 13 of them. After the holidays and everyone ohhhhhed and ahhhhhed, she realized that she was the only adult in her family without one. So, she is knitting one for herself. She says she feels guilty about doing it but . . . . She is also the person that told me about Goodreads.

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Another woman knits incredible purses and bags. She had this fabulous bag that she made over the holidays. Seriously. Over the holidays. And its lined. Very cute. And, when her sister saw that it was lined, her sister said, "you must be giving it to someone . . . you never line anything that you keep for yourself." She was right. The woman that made then handed it to her sister, laughed and said, "think of it as either a late or early Christmas present."

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I am still working on the scarf for Lindsey. She has decided that she wants to knit a hat with the same yarn. Of course, it is fingering weight and she couldn't figure out how to wind it and ended up with a mess. Do you think it would be rude to put a sign on my stash that says "keep out, this means you, Lindsey"?

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Anyway, for 2009, I think I need to spend time watching people and learning from them. The kids provide incredible gifts (even if it is a 14 year old who grunts at me that she has nothing to share and then spends the next hour on the phone telling her friends about her day . . . sigh). There are incredibly talented individuals that I have contact with. Online and in bookstores on Wednesday evenings. I am lucky that my husband and I are gainfully employed and, as far as I can see, will remain so for the foreseeable future.

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And I can see, across the street . . . and its snowing and really, really rather lovely.

letting go and other stuff

So, it is the new year. So for 2009 I am letting go of a pound and then another and another . . . I have at least two and possibly four weddings that I know of in the next year or so. My niece, is getting married for the first time. She will be 37. She is freaking out but he is steady and kind and very good to her. Two of my nephews will be getting married -- one for sure and the other probably. And of course, there is Sarah and Kyle.

I have to say that 2008 was okay for my family and I.

Sarah broke up with her former boyfriend in early January -- a real highlight -- he lied to her even when he knew he was going to be caught. Turd breath.

Zachariah made his first communion in May. He is such a joy -- most of the time. Although if he mentions one more time about my belly being similar to Santa Claus' we are going to have words!

Lindsey won all kinds of awards at school, including earning a couple thousand $$$ in scholarships . . . a real help.

Dave continues to be Dave. He is such a great guy and I love him so.

I started my new job and love it, most of the time.

As we all know that financial issues facing everyone have been tough. Sarah's job disappeared but she has decided to focus on school, including taking this semester to get a nursing assistant's certificate so she can get a job (what a novel idea). My 401K took a hit, as did everyone else's. I wasn't going to look at it and just shred the reports but for the financial aid for Lindsey's school, you have to report how much you have in it. Bah humbug and all that fun stuff. It dropped, oh, about, 100K+. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Being positive, however, the fact that I had that much to lose is a good thing.

Sarah has fallen in love with a wonderful young man. He is a farmer. An honest-to-God, corn and soy and pig farmer. He loves her too and they are talking about getting married. So, the problem is I have had to let go.

And, I have to tell you, I am so angry with my Mom I could spit. Sarah thought I was angry with her (which I was) but then I discovered that I was talking to my Mom. Since my Mom has been dead for ten years the conversation was rather one-sided but I did manage to fill in some of her lines as I knew exactly what she would say:

"You lied to me."
"I didn't lie."

"You did so"
"How"

"You NEVER told me that it would hurt so much to let her go. NEVER, Mom. You told me about loving that baby and the joy of holding her the first time and sleep deprivation when she was a baby and on her first and second and third and fourth . . . date(s). But you never told me that seeing her skip out of the house, floating on air and not being here with me would hurt."

sigh "Okay, so it was the sin of omission. I had seven kids. And letting go of each of you hurt, in different ways for each of you. It is part of being a parent and a mother . . . the letting go . . . so go for a walk, cry in the shower and tell her you love her."

"Mom, I am still mad at you . . . you lied."

sigh "Dogs get mad, people get angry and disappointed and hurt . . . I didn't lie . . . I let you go and I knew from the first time I saw you with our Sarah that someday you would be hurt and you would still let her go . . . I wish . . . "

"Mom, I wish too . . . I love you . . . "