letting go and other stuff

So, it is the new year. So for 2009 I am letting go of a pound and then another and another . . . I have at least two and possibly four weddings that I know of in the next year or so. My niece, is getting married for the first time. She will be 37. She is freaking out but he is steady and kind and very good to her. Two of my nephews will be getting married -- one for sure and the other probably. And of course, there is Sarah and Kyle.

I have to say that 2008 was okay for my family and I.

Sarah broke up with her former boyfriend in early January -- a real highlight -- he lied to her even when he knew he was going to be caught. Turd breath.

Zachariah made his first communion in May. He is such a joy -- most of the time. Although if he mentions one more time about my belly being similar to Santa Claus' we are going to have words!

Lindsey won all kinds of awards at school, including earning a couple thousand $$$ in scholarships . . . a real help.

Dave continues to be Dave. He is such a great guy and I love him so.

I started my new job and love it, most of the time.

As we all know that financial issues facing everyone have been tough. Sarah's job disappeared but she has decided to focus on school, including taking this semester to get a nursing assistant's certificate so she can get a job (what a novel idea). My 401K took a hit, as did everyone else's. I wasn't going to look at it and just shred the reports but for the financial aid for Lindsey's school, you have to report how much you have in it. Bah humbug and all that fun stuff. It dropped, oh, about, 100K+. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Being positive, however, the fact that I had that much to lose is a good thing.

Sarah has fallen in love with a wonderful young man. He is a farmer. An honest-to-God, corn and soy and pig farmer. He loves her too and they are talking about getting married. So, the problem is I have had to let go.

And, I have to tell you, I am so angry with my Mom I could spit. Sarah thought I was angry with her (which I was) but then I discovered that I was talking to my Mom. Since my Mom has been dead for ten years the conversation was rather one-sided but I did manage to fill in some of her lines as I knew exactly what she would say:

"You lied to me."
"I didn't lie."

"You did so"
"How"

"You NEVER told me that it would hurt so much to let her go. NEVER, Mom. You told me about loving that baby and the joy of holding her the first time and sleep deprivation when she was a baby and on her first and second and third and fourth . . . date(s). But you never told me that seeing her skip out of the house, floating on air and not being here with me would hurt."

sigh "Okay, so it was the sin of omission. I had seven kids. And letting go of each of you hurt, in different ways for each of you. It is part of being a parent and a mother . . . the letting go . . . so go for a walk, cry in the shower and tell her you love her."

"Mom, I am still mad at you . . . you lied."

sigh "Dogs get mad, people get angry and disappointed and hurt . . . I didn't lie . . . I let you go and I knew from the first time I saw you with our Sarah that someday you would be hurt and you would still let her go . . . I wish . . . "

"Mom, I wish too . . . I love you . . . "